Toxic Friendships - Tri Delta ? The Center

April 9, 2012

Life is about relationships?the ones we have, the one?s we don?t, the one?s we wish for, the one?s that need work. It is human nature to form relationships with other people. Think about the word ?relationship? for a moment? relationships are about connecting to others and we do this in many different ways.

Being a sorority woman is the same thing. It?s all about relationships?some with sisters?some with roommates?some with friends. ?The sisterhood is bound together by our letters, by the Ritual, by our Purpose. But it doesn?t mean you will be best friends with everyone. It doesn?t mean you?ll be able to work with everyone. It doesn?t mean you?ll love everyone. And that?s okay. But as a sister, this is part of your growth and your development. Situations like these teach us how to stretch outside of our comfort zones, how to work and live and converse with people who are just like us and those who are not like us at all, what our own limitations look like. This is preparation for life.

Relationships with others is part of life and it?s part of our need as human beings. But relationships aren?t always easy and they aren?t always healthy. Relationships can be positive or negative, good or bad, healthy or toxic and knowing the difference is important.

During good times and bad, we count on our friends for support and comfort. However, occasionally we can find ourselves in what has become a toxic relationship?one causing us more pain than happiness, more resentment than pride, more anxiety than worth and more drama than fun. This should never be what sisterhood is about, but we know that sometimes the relationships that you have with a sister can sometimes be like this. And because we know that such relationships have the potential to affect other sisters and even the chapter as a whole, it is important to identify them and deal with them.

Identifying a toxic relationship is actually pretty simple. The realization that you?re a part of one is the hard part. A toxic friend might?

• Make negative comments towards you about how you look, trivial things, the other friends you have or just anything that feels like a ?dig? about you specifically.
• Make you feel as if she gets upset when you don?t make time for her, but expects you to put in all the effort by initiating contact or making plans.
• Bring your energy level down or make you feel worn out whenever you spend time with them.
• Might feel more like an obligation and less like a privilege to be around them.
• Alter your mood or make you feel anxious about spending time with them.
• Might have an effect on your overall behavior. Maybe you or your other friends notice that you act differently when you are around this person.
• Be a negative influence, involving you in situations or activities that you might not find yourself in otherwise.
• Always be in crisis, needing you to talk to them, help them or be overly involved in their problems.
• Make you wary of their intentions and motivations or make you question certain elements of your friendship. ?
• Be dramatic, pick fights or constantly need attention or vindication from you at their convenience.

Dealing with a toxic friend, confronting an unhealthy relationship or even trying to ?break up? with a friend that you no longer feel is good to have in your life is very difficult. The best way to deal with them is to talk with them directly about it. However, this is also difficult, especially when the person is already causing you so much stress and anxiety to begin with. When you are determining how to end a friendship with someone else, take into consideration some of our recommended ?dos? and ?don?ts?

?

Do	Don?t
Stay calm and collected	Be hostile, angry or upset
Keep this between you and the other person	Make mutual friends take sides
Own your feelings by using ?I? statements	Don?t deflect all responsibility for the way that you feel on to the other person with accusations
Listen and give them a chance to explain and process what you?ve addressed	?Become defensive or provoke an argument
Come to some agreement, even if it?s that you both need time to think about next steps	Gossip about them or make nasty remarks to other friends
Suggest some ways to come to a solution that works for both of you	Make demands of how the other should change to accommodate your needs

At the end of the day, realize that friendships are constantly evolving and that you don?t have to be best friends with everyone. Friends change, but so do you. Relationships are about give and take and have to be mutual. You can?t force a friendship.? Keep friends in your life that contribute to you somehow and compliment your personality and character.

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